A letter from a an experienced mom: a reply to this post.  A blog post i made in August of 2007.

I love this very long comment that i wished it was longer more.  But even then, it contains all what this mommy wants to tell me.

dear Arlene,

you asked the question, “Are we both confusing this 10 year old girl?”, which means you are open to discussions. and if it is all right with you, i am offering my thoughts.

i was kinda disturbed, what i did was to read your blogs (including All About Her”, to have a feel of how it is in your home. sad to say, my overall feeling is “pity this child”. sorry, my dear, but i am just being frank, on the other hand, who am i, but just an outsider, anyway.

but i am glad, you are opening up your doubts. i am talking based on experience, with myself and with my friends. i have been a mother for 27 years now–to 7 wonderful kids. i am not saying they are perfect, they each have their own loving flaws.

i have been working all my 27 years (took early retirement in oct 2007, but now doing what i like most–writing), and it was my mother, all along, who took care of my kids while i was at work (the past 10 years of which i have been away traveling 1/3 of the time).

oh, yes, my mom took care of my kids (am forever grateful for that), but she took loving care of them, but it was stressed–my way, not hers. you see, grandmothers can be controlling at times, or for others, too lenient. i saw to it, that i always discuss these things with my mom–hurt though she be sometimes, hurt though i may be sometimes. the bottomline is, we do not want to confuse.

i also saw a bit, nay a lot of “controlling” in you, coming with it your expectations. your daughter is just a child, dear, and children are supposed to have loving fun, of course school responsibilities are there, too. but you have to start from the very basic, have loving fun. for how can a child turn to her responsibilities, if she does not feel true fun, if she is so pressured.

i never pressured any of my kids, i have always been patient, o have always been cool. i have never tutored, nay even supervised them with their schooling. of course, i have always been there for them in case they need my help. most of them are honor students.

what we have more at home, and outside the home are gimmicks and happy moments. every night, before our family prayers, is that loving banter, which they so love, one of their favorite moments with family.

loosen up a bit, dear, i know you cannot do it overnight, but you can start by being friends with your daughter. talk with her about what makes her happy, about her interests. she’s just a child, in a few years, she will have other interests, she would have crushes, her life will now revolve with friends. cope, step by step, grow with her.

btw, one of my friends let her mom control her 3 kids (and spoil one), there was a point in time that she could not anymore intervene. they are now grown ups (17 to 24). know what? the 2 boys have not taken their college seriously, no one has completed college yet. only her daughter, who is now in 1st year college, who has become her friend in the later years, is taking college seriously). it’s too late to go back now, but she is trying to do some damage control. please do not let this happen to your family. start now–while your 2 children are still very young.

i know it is not easy, but for the sake of your children, try my dear, for some change. your daughter will love you more for giving her space, for giving her the chance to grow up with not with pressure, but with loving understanding.

this comment has become so long, it can even be considered a post. God bless you.

I have in mind that my parenting role is very challenging because i am playing a dual role (dad & mom). Although there are real dad stuff that dads should do or share with their daughters that i can never do, yet, i believe that one day my daughter will understand the real situation.